struggle

Struggles and judging

Everyone has different struggles and ways to deal with them. Some people have less, some have more, some take things one way, some take it the other.

I always felt like i struggled more because i was aware of a lot of things from very early age and on top of that i had really traumatic experiences in my childhood.

I’ve been judged my whole life about the way i’m and the way i do things, and that’s ok, though it sucks in general, but I do understand that very few people can see me and understand why i am the way i am.

All i ever wanted was for people to not treat me like shit and maybe just maybe show some love and support if they actually understand. I got some of that, though it came a bit late, but still i’m deeply thankful for those few people who showed me respect and love.

When you haven’t experienced certain things in life you can only think that you get it and offer a perspective, but the actual experience is quite different. It’s like to think of doing something and actually doing it. Totally different things.

In today’s world people who feel deeply and are more sensitive do not get treated very well from society.

To have empathy and feel other’s emotions and what they hide behind the masks they wear can be very energy draining experience, because you know how they feel. You can see the small child that is locked in the very last door of their heart, and is crying.

So many people today hide their true self behind all kinds of masks and attitude, because deep down they are afraid that society will crush it along with their dreams and values and so on.

And when they see someone who’s not afraid to go their own way and show everybody else the finger, they attack him, because he dared to do it anyway and that reminds them of the fact that they got scared.

Extroversion is on it’s peak and it’s worshiped while being more quiet and self oriented is taught to be weak and weird and shy and stuff like that.

All these people who experience the world only from the outside materialistic form cannot understand that there is another world inside of them.

One of the worst things for me that gives me struggles in life is when people start to tell me how to live my life and judge me for what i do and who i am.

They say:

You are so lonely and sensitive, you are so isolated, you are this, you are that. You have to do this and that. If i need advice, i’ll ask for it. I need love, help and support. I don’t need advice on how to live my life.

I’m not lonely, even though i live by myself. I love my own company and i don’t get bored. I have stuff to do! I prefer to do what i like and love by myself than to be with random people just to be “social”.

I’m just very selective about the people i spend time with, because i want to be with people who i like and with whom i feel at home, and there aren’t many of them as over the past few years most people who were close to me walked away from my life.

And i work my own thing from home, because i saw how the system fucked up my parents and how it fucks up people everyday and i wanted to have something that i call mine. I took a big risk 12 years ago and sold the dump that i was living in.

It wasn’t much money as i had to pay shit load of debts, but i took the chance and sold it and invested the money into something that my brother and i build from the scratch. People always called us “risky players”, fools. Why are you doing it? Where is your profit?…

Anyway my point was that i wanted people to first understand where i’m coming from before judging me, but then I couldn’t  just say to people,” hey can you pause for a moment and think how would your life turn out to be if you were in my shoes”, because they don’t want to go there and feel it.

Who wants to imagine what’s like to wake up one day with a call that informs you that you are officially orphan and what your parents are leaving you behind with tens of thousands of debt from unpaid utility bills, shit hole apartment full of cockroaches and broken heart?

You have no university degree and you have no job and you have no idea what the fuck you are supposed to do. Nobody wants to even consider thinking about stuff like that!

But they jump off to judge, because:

  • They have no idea what it feels like to have grown up in broken family.
  • They have no idea what it feels like to be emotionally and physically abused for over decade and how this affects your brain and perception of the world.
  • They have no idea what is it like to have lost your parents by the age of 21 and to have to figure out and deal with life.
  • They have no idea what’s like to feel other people’s pain and to look for ways to ease it, because you know and understand pain very well.
  • They have no idea what kind of strength you need to have to be able to deal with all on your own and still find ways to also help others.
  • They have no idea how hard is to learn from pain and not become angry person who turns on anger with anger and just fights back acting out on emotions.
  • They have no idea how much strength and understanding is needed to look for the peaceful and diplomatic solution with love in everyday life.

And most people do that, because  it’s easy – to judge and shout, than to think and feel. People in general run away from their own pain and that’s why they do not care about other people’s pain and say senseless stuff like, don’t be a drama queen, get over it, life goes on, and so on.

If you have been hurt and mistreated, humiliated and abused by people for nearly half of your life how do you think that will affect you? Would you run towards people or away from them?!

How can you keep trusting people if they fail you and hurt you again and again just because they can or they are immature?!

Its’ the same with dogs. Someone gets a dog treats it like shit then leaves it on the street where the dog gets kicked and shouted from shit load of other people like his former owner and then when someone like me goes to give him food and pet him, he starts to run away, because he’s scared.

He assumes another bad person coming on him to treat him like shit and i cannot blame him for not trusting me. I can only try to restore his fate by not treating him like he’s been treated.

I really hope more people start to think twice before they speak and judge and just pause. Just because you can say something and you feel like you have the right to do it doesn’t mean you have to. Don’t be so full of yourself in your desire to speak your mind. Just pause and see what your heart thinks about it and see the difference.

It’s so easy to act on anger and feel like you have the right to defend yourself and stand up, but what are you standing up for?

Your EGO is hurting and you have to fight back to protect it? Some shit cunt says something stupid and you have to fight back? For what? What actually are you defending? Your pride?

Kill the fool with silence. This is the best way to deal with that. I promise! They hate it, because they want to trigger response and start a war, and when you don’t play the game, they go nuts.

Eventually they learn that their silly tricks and words have no affect on you and they don’t bother trying.

People do not understand that when someone is trying to hurt you or talks shit it’s how they feel inside. They are hurting and they want someone to feel their pain, but because they do not think someone will listen and understand or they are ashamed to share it they act on it and they start to act in way that will hurt the other person, so this way he can feel what they feel by force.

I still struggle with a lot of things at the age of 33 and it’s hard, but i learn and do my best to take care of myself and continue to grow. I always try to help someone in need, because having no one when you need someone is one of the worst feelings in the world.

I still make mistakes. I still have so much to learn. I don’t know it all nor i’m better than anyone else i just like to choose to act from a place of love whenever i can, because that’s what matters to me.

I had very unfortunate timeline of events in my life but somehow i managed to make things work out. My heart is full of holes and it’s been damaged along the way from chronic stress and fear, but still beats and is capable of love.

The best thing from all of that is that i learned a lot from other people’s mistakes, and i can go on with my life not repeating them and eventually give all this information to my kids one day.

To be let down and to feel sad and to not have someone to give you hope and love and support is soul crushing and really shitty experience.

Some people wont admit that, because they try to play it cool and look so confident and “strong”,  others kill the pain with drugs and whatnot, but deep down inside we all feel the same when we find ourselves in that spot.

So shout out to all strong souls who don’t give up and still find a way to love and shine light to this dark world and offer helping hand and understand the pain of other people and care for them!

I know it’s hard. I know it takes time to get there, but you have to work your way to be a better person. At the end of the day what will make you feel good and successful is the love you gave and the love you received and the things you did that mattered to you and the people in your life.

The world need more people who give love and who work towards a better and kinder world. We don’t need toxic alpha males brainless ego dominance. We are not fucking animals. We are more than that! We are so much more and better than that!

We have to work with love not fight with pride! Things have to move easily and flow! We have to learn to find who we are and what we can give and do that.

What we want will come to us after we start giving away first! Trust the process!

We don’t need aggressive cannibalistic approach to make things work and get things in life and feel safe and good and protected.

We need love and compassion and understanding, because it takes much more courage and strength to act out and give love than to show attitude and aggression.

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