I grew up scared of the word NO. It was one of the most common words that i was hearing as a response from my parents when i was asking for something.
I guess it’s almost inevitable to start assuming that no matter what you want or ask for, either at home or somewhere else, the answer is always going to be NO.
And every other time you dare to ask for something and you hear the word, you feel worse and worse.
You get the feeling of being not worthy of anything. You start to feel like you have to do and overdo things so much so you can somehow deserve and get that YES.
And then what you do? You become people pleaser… You feel so bad that you always get the NO and you want that YES really bad, so you think if you do more and more and say YES to other people and you are always there for them, they will respect you and eventually when you want or need something you’ll get your YES.
Unfortunately that doesn’t work like that. And i figured it out too late. The worst thing for me i think was the part where i started to feel bad about being a good person and helping wherever and whenever i could, because i had this genuine feeling of doing good.
Growing up i started to develop the idea that i want to reduce pain and suffering where i see them and be there for people when they need a hand, because i knew what it feels like to need help and love and understanding and not get them for very long periods of time
My empathy and understanding of other people’s pain and problems grew a lot because of the life experience i got and that led me to want to reduce pain and suffering wherever i go as much as possible.
Maybe i was wrong. Maybe people needed that pain and suffering so they can grow from it just the way i grew from mine. Maybe they didn’t need the help i was offering. Maybe i had to leave them be so they can find their own way out.
Maybe. I don’t know. On the one hand thinking like that makes me feel like not caring, on the other hand it feels like giving them some time and space to figure it out and eventually help later if they ask. But who asks for help these days?!
It’s complicated. Some people actually pretend they need help or support while other truly do, but they feel bad asking for it.
I always somehow felt like the best way i can help is to set an example and hope that the right people who need help with something will see that and it will inspire them to make the change they struggle with, or they will see their reflection in me and i will serve just as a mirror to show them that they got this and they can do it too.
I never really wanted to force myself to do things for others as if they cannot do it themselves, but the desire to experience the feeling of being helpful and for making a difference was getting the best of me. It still does, but i try to catch myself and apologize when i realize it.
it’s important to be polite, but being nice by saying yes all the time only hurts you in the long run. When you make it easy for people to grab your time (or money), they will continue to do it and they will do it until you have no money or you are so exhausted and used up that they have to move to another target.
I had to come to place where I’ve given so much to people who didn’t appreciate me, or what i do, and how i helped them, that i din’t had much to offer anymore and all of a sudden these people just vanished from my life.
All of a sudden i realized that when i want to spend time with them they are always busy or even when we were getting together they were spending half the time on their phone and were not paying attention to what i was talking or wanted to say.
I was even often criticized for things and given advice’s that i didn’t asked for.
And then one day i just said to myself that enough is enough. Every time someone was coming to me asking for stuff i was just saying NO. Sorry, can’t do it.
Of course, there was responses like, “what happened to you”, “what’s wrong with you”, but it didn’t matter what they think or how they feel. It mattered how i feel and what i think about me.
I’m still working on that NO thing and on not saying YES too often, and not having this desire to do help all the time, because sometimes you have to let people do the dumb shit they do so they can find their own way out of the shite.
I know that one day i will find the health balance with YES and NO and it wont affect my life the way it used to and still does, to some extent.
One of the hardest things still remains and that is the fear of asking for what i want, because i got so used of not getting it, that the assumption of another NO just crushes my soul in small pieces.
When you grow up feeling rejected and neglected you just assume that you don’t matter and the things that you want and need are not going to be provided to you, because whatever you ask the answer is always NO.
I know it’s psychological shit and eventually i will come out of it, because no matter what i always find my way out. I’ve always worked things out on my own as i had no other choice.
But some things take more time and work than others. And hopefully i will find some help to get me through this, because i’m getting tired of doing it all by myself most the time.
All i want to say at the end to everyone that struggles with NO is to draw a line, and to learn to say NO.
- No to things that insult your soul.
- No to things that waste your time and energy.
- No to people who only use you when they need you.
- No to food and drinks that make you sick and unhealthy.
- No to things that are against your values.
If you see dumb shit. Call it out. Doesn’t matter if they get mad at you or whatever. Do what’s right vs what’s easy or popular.
Don’t be harsh but strive to find a diplomatic way to show people when they are wrong and make them think about what they are doing.
Over time you’ll get more respect for doing what’s right. And the people who appreciate your kindness and honesty will be those who will stay in your life.
The idea is not to just say things to make it looks like i’m good and you are bad. The idea is that, when you know better, you have to do better.
You have to improve yourself and help other people do the same. We cannot always make excuses and do dumb shit, because that’s what we are going to set as foundation for the next generation.
We have to learn from our mistakes, from our parents mistake, from the mistakes we see all around and turn them into stepping stones for people that are to come after us.
We owe this to the kids and to the future generations if we want them to have better lives and good foundation from which to build and evolve further.