“The three hardest tasks in the world are neither physical feats nor intellectual achievements, but moral acts: to return love for hate, to include the excluded, and to say, I was wrong.”
We all dream of being happy and having great life with mostly positive experiences, but this is not how things work out in reality.
I think striving for too much happiness is just wrong and if that’s your goal, you are going to feel even more miserable than just having to go through the regular ups and downs of life.
As someone who had a close to terrible childhood i know how much i wanted this peaceful and happy moments as they were mostly missing in my life.
It took me over decade to come to understanding of how all these misfortunes eventually turned into something good.
Obviously losing your family by the time you are 21 is not a very good thing, in fact it’s really bad, but it is what it is and all you are left with after that is the opportunity to make the best with what you have and learn from all that happened.
Struggles and pain are some of the best teachers you can get in life. You will never learn and grow as much from happy moments than from unhappy ones.
When you are happy you are just enjoying stuff not thinking much. You are just flowing with the moment and you embrace the good feeling.
But when you find yourself on the other side…well hello there – welcome to the dark side, take a seat.
There you have to think, you have to connect a lot of dots and figure out what happened, how it happened, why it happened, what caused it, who was responsible, why someones did such and such and so on.
Sometimes you have to face some inconvenient truth when you are in a place of pain and struggle.
You have to admit to yourself that maybe there is a part in all of this that you are causing by trying to force certain things to happen so you can feel better and avoid the pain and thinking about the bad stuff.
That’s ok. No need to blame yourself or feel bad about it. Just acknowledge it and use it to empower yourself to grow out of that and do something different.
Growing up in slightly or more broken family changes one a lot. Especially when you are dealing with situations where the parents are not very well emotionally developed people who are capable of reflecting on their life and admiring their mistakes. Eventually learning from them and becoming better people not only for them but for their children as well.
I know how much the emotional neglect and abuse had fucked me up in my childhood and how different that caused me to grow from my peers.
It took me a lot of time to figure things out and connect all dots. You can almost never think about how this shitty experience you are going through right now is something that one day you’ll look back at and say “Yeah it was fucked up, but it got me to where i’m now and i learned so much and i’m grateful”.
It’s close to impossible to even entertain such ideas and even think about that while in the midst of all the shite.
Coming out of the pain
Eventually time passes and if you want to take all that baggage off your shoulders you have to start reflecting back and seeing how one thing led to another.
At some point this will bring peace. It will all start to make sense. And after you’ve gone through all of that bad stuff, you’ll learn to appreciate the good stuff even more.
Your heart will expand. You’ll become more humble. You’ll see how different you look at the world and how the most simple things can bring you blissful moments.
Because when you learn to be happy with the small things and appreciate life and all that is given to you, little by little you’ll get more of it.
Of course there will still be some pain and sadness here and there, but that’s ok. There has to be some kind of balance after all.
And as i said earlier, pain, sadness, and misfortunes shape you in a different way. Over time you grow stronger and you can, later in life, use that strength to help other people through their hard times, because you know how it feels, and you understand their pain.
Most of the time when we are in such place, we need someone to understand our pain. We need someone to hold our hand while we are in that space so we don’t feel alone. This can help speed up the healing process!
Gratitude and Appreciation
Pain and sadness teaches you how to be more appreciative of the good and happy moments in life.
These moments are going to show you how you don’t see the few good things that you have and you are constantly focusing on the bad.
I know it hurts. I know it’s hard to think about and see the few good when there is so much ugly and bad stuff around, and your heart is in pain. I know what’s like to feel abused, neglected, mistreated…broken, hopeless..you name it. It fucks you up in a way that only someone how’s gone through the same can really understand.
But if you just go in your heart and you allow yourself to look with it and see that little beautiful thing or think about that one person that you love and appreciate, it will make a difference! Could be just for a moment, but you have to do it.
You just have to hold into it for a minute and get into a stream of more happy and hopeful thoughts.
It can be very hard to do that, but you have to try. You have to go in your heart and let it feel and appreciate that one or two little things or people you have in your life that make you hopeful and understood and give you peace of mind.
You have to do that as often as possible and pay attention to what comes to you when you are in that state of mind where you feel gratitude towards something or someone.
There comes a point where you have to stop constantly asking for stuff and just appreciate and enjoy what’s in front of you even if it’s not the best of the best or what you dream about or want so bad.
You have to work on yourself and become a better version of what you were the day before. And then you have to start giving to others all that good shit that you learned.
I think this is somewhat an unwritten law, that when you stop asking for so much and you look around and appreciate what is and what you have, and see how much you have to give to others, little by little you start to get all these other things that you wanted so bad.
When you help other people get what they want and make them feel better, you’ll get the same in return. You just have to pay attention what you do and how you feel and what comes your way – either good or bad. This way you can learn and take responsibility for both and over time blame it less and less on someone or something else.
You don’t have to give them up. Just have them in the back of your mind, but don’t obsess over any one. The more you chase them just to have them, the more they will run away from you. If you find a way to be happy and enjoy things that you have, you’ll be given more at some point.
But you cannot keep asking for stuff and feel bad about where you are and what you have. If you do that chances are you’ll feel the same when you eventually get all these other things (job, relationship, whatever…)
Have you ever noticed how different life is when you are not chasing anything? How eventually the right thing or person comes at the right time without you forcing any of it to happen?
I think there is a reason for that, but very few actually see this and understand why it goes like that.
When you let yourself just be and allow things to come, you can get yourself to a state where you have peace of mind. A palce where you don’t doubt that what you want will come to you.
And you wont just go and do whatever it takes to just have it, because from that state of mind you wont feel like you need to have it so bad to fill some emptiness inside of you.
You have to get yourself to the point where you assume that you have all that you wanted and feel inside of you how good it is to know that you have it and you don’t have to chase and run after it.
Then you have to keep getting to that feeling while walking slowly toward it enjoying as much as possible the things that come along the way.
Because that’s the only way you are really going to enjoy and appreciate it when you get it. You’ll look back and see all the things that happened while you were getting there. The good and the bad.
You’ll see how much more you got from walking down the road and taking whatever was there than running straight to it, just to grab it and hold it like your life depends on that.
Life is what happens while you make plans for what you’ll do when you get to where you want to be, and if you figure that out early you’ll stop living so much in the future and be more present with what’s here and now.
Life is time. Time is now!
It matters what you do today and what you learn from it tomorrow. Because those tiny steps you make every day will soon take you to where you want to be. Just walk. Look around. Feel the pain, learn from it. Feel the joy and appreciate it, but don’t take it for granted and don’t hold on to it.
Neither pain nor joy are final.
If you feel pain talk to someone who understands. If you feel joy share it, so others can take a bite from it too.
Life is not linear. The path is never straight. If you had a shitty start all that matter is what you did with the pain and how you found a way to transform it to love.
It takes time to heal. It takes time to forgive. But as long as you know that and you give yourself space to do it, it will be a bit easier along the way.
Wish you peaceful and loving growing out of the pain!